1 in 4
1 in 4 women will experience miscarriage. And up to 70% will believe it was caused by something they did even though that isn’t true.
When I had my miscarriage my first reaction was one of embarrassment. Even though I cognitively knew it wasn’t my fault, I felt like my body had failed. My perception of the miscarriage changed during a kundalini yoga class. It was like someone hit "zoom out" on a camera & I was able to step back from immediate experience to see that my body was deeply wise. My body had trained for centuries to detect a non-viable pregnancy, cultivating wisdom beyond what I was able to comprehend.
Developing a framework to cope with loss gave me a choice in how to respond. My perspective of the miscarriage, more than the event itself, determined how it impacted my life.
The first realization I had was that the term miscarriage implies I didn't carry my baby correctly. It focuses on the pathology that happens with the ending of pregnancy instead of the innate wisdom our bodies possess. I did nothing to cause the end of my pregnancy, and neither did you. It sucks & it’s heartbreaking, but there is no-one to blame for it not becoming a viable pregnancy.
With the blame & embarrassment gone from my mind, I was able to dig even deeper into what we wanted as a family. Our zygote took us through our first positive pregnancy test, our first deep breaths & excited tears over realizing we would become a family. The meaning I wanted to give to this time wasn’t just one of ending & heartbreak, but one of trust & gratitude for what our future holds.
This description of my miscarriage is not prescriptive. It is simply my experience. Your miscarriage story and the meaning you give it belongs to you. When I talk about creating meaning out of difficult moments, I’m not implying you toss a positive or triumphant label over tragedy. Creating meaning is more substantial than “flipping the switch” or adjusting your language. It starts with identifying your physical & emotional response to stress or pain, that is the first clue that something meaningful is happening. Creating space for what you feel, pausing, & bringing your awareness into the experience is how you develop insight into what’s important in your life. It's how you transform the way your brain interprets your body’s stress response to create positive associations and develop neuroplasticity.
When you transform heartache into an experience of creative exploration, compassion, grounded responding, & meaningful endurance, you open the door to possibility & choice. Will there still be moments of pain and grief? Yes. Absolutely. But they might not feel as sticky as they once did. Reconstructing these moments into something meaningful becomes a source of life & energy that supplies you with the courage & resilience to fight for the things you love.